Senate Democrats, avg. Age 86, Fear They're Out Of Touch

Senator Cardin of Maryland has requested increased stock of adult diapers in chamber washrooms, in response.

Washington - Following the democratic primary victory by Zohran Mamdani, Rep. Robert Garcia’s appointment as lead Democrat on House Oversight Committee, and the support accumulated by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, establishment democrats have responded by doubling their Depends budget.

Senator Chuck Schumer: “Personally, I have brand loyalty to Tena - I don’t need the fashion forward design that Depends offers. The truth is that this is no longer just age-related incontinence and we are truly not on the same page with America’s progressives. We tried tricking them with Hakeem Jeffries, but these young whippersnappers with their technology were able to figure out he’s just one of us.”